If it’s okay with you guys, I would like to share two personal stories that I went through before knowing I had agoraphobia. This is also before I started medication and exposure therapy.
I am a very family oriented person. Do you know how hard it is to be family oriented while having agoraphobia? It is extremely hard because I wouldn’t leave my house so majority of the time my family had to come to me. That’s not fair at all and I knew it but mentally I was stuck. I have a niece and nephew that really only saw me when they came to my house. For those of you who don’t know me, my niece and nephew are my life. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for those kids. My nephew was supposed to receive his first communion in March of 2020 but as we all know COVID-19 didn’t allow that to happen. His school decided to hold the ceremony October 3, 2020. That day is a day I will NEVER forget.
His school did allow some family members to attend but of course everyone had to wear a mask. Those that were attending were his parents and sister, my dad, and my sister. Everyone kept asking me if I was going but I didn’t commit because I really haven’t left the house or traveled anywhere. That morning my girlfriend and I got ready to go to his ceremony. It was taking me longer than usual to get ready and if you ask my girlfriend she’ll say I was subconsciously doing it on purpose. Looking back I can honestly say I was because I wasn’t comfortable and was scared. Time was creeping up on me and before I knew it, it was time to leave. My girlfriend and I decided to drive separately for several reasons. The church is 30 minutes away and I knew I was going to experience anxiety before we even left. My girlfriend and sister understand what I’ve been going through but my dad just doesn’t but that’s a story for another time.
I was doing well at first and I really thought I was going to make it. My girlfriend did all she could to keep me distracted like playing music and talking to me. It wasn’t until we got half way there when I started panicking. I started to hold my chest because I really convinced myself I couldn’t breathe. My hands started to feel numb and I felt as if my mind wasn’t there. Like I felt as if I was out of my own body. Does that even make sense? Your mind is so powerful and in that moment my mind convinced myself I wasn’t safe. My surroundings suddenly started to become a blur. I wanted to make it there and I wanted to be there for him in this big moment. Maybe if I knew now what I knew then I would have made it. If only I were to pull over and get myself together I would have made it. “Babe I want to go home! We need to turn around now and go home!” I was in a full blown panic attack. At this point I couldn’t catch my breath and I felt miles away. Even though we were only about 4 miles away. She was very disappointed, I could tell, but so was I. I tried to tell myself that I should be proud that I made it as far as I did.
We rode home in complete silence and before I knew it tears started to fall down my face. The whole ride home I silently cried but when I got home I let it all out. It was so bad I called my mom hyperventilating. Seeing pictures of him at the church just made it worse. I wasn’t there for him when I could have been. One day he might look back on his communion pictures and ask why I wasn’t there. At least now I have an answer for him. That was one out of two times that I realized I really needed to get help. I can’t live my life like this; I WON’T live my life like this. Trapped like a prisoner in my own body missing out on life and milestones. I wasn’t there for my nieces 4th birthday party, my nephews communion, family vacations, and so much more. Not any more, I refuse to let agoraphobia take over my life. I’m taking my life back.
October 3, 2020 was when I realized I couldn’t do this on my own. I didn’t want to take medicine (for personal reasons) but I decided I needed to give it a try. Earlier in this post I mentioned there were two stories but this post was long enough, right? To be continued....