Have you ever felt so disappointed in yourself? That is exactly how I feel right about now. Agoraphobia has changed my life, especially the future I thought I was going to have. I am almost 25 years old with a Bachelor’s degree but I don’t have a career due to my agoraphobia basically. Having a career would mean driving to work and staying at work by myself around people I am not comfortable with. Fearing that I will experience panic and anxiety not knowing if people will judge me. I also wouldn’t have my safe person(s) with me to comfort me. At the moment I can’t imagine myself driving to work alone or even staying in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces. Instead of having a career I get paid to take care of my mother that has a lot of health issues. My mother also had agoraphobia that recently came back due to COVID. Since I am trying to turn my life around for the better, I’d like to believe that I am exactly where I needed to be. Trying to help my mom out not only with her medical needs but her mental needs. After all I am slowly but shortly exposing myself every day and trying to get rid of this agoraphobia. (If that is even a real thing.) If there was anyone suit to help my mom kick it, it would be me but I can’t help but to feel so disappointed in myself. I’m a college graduate without a career but with a lot of debt. It also doesn’t help that I have people around me judging me because of it.
You guys are probably wondering where this is all coming from and I have the answer to that question. With the anniversary of George Floyd’s death a lot has changed for me and those I considered family/friends. If you haven’t realized by now I completely support and believe in Black Lives Matter and consider everyone as an equal. With everything going on in the world it really showed me everyone’s true colors. There are a lot of friends but mostly family that I have cut off due to their lack of knowledge and ridiculous statements they have put out on social media. I want to point out that I do not regret cutting these people out of my life whatsoever. My values and views are much more important to me than relationships and I also strongly believe that white silence is violence. It is ridiculous how many arguments I have gotten into with people over racism and white privilege. Especially with my own family members… which is weird because my grandparents didn’t raise their kids that way. It honestly blows my mind.
Those that are reading this are probably asking themselves, what does one have to do with the other? Well I am about to tie it altogether right now. Looking back at my Facebook memories and some messages, I came across a family member that basically personally attacked me. This family member has said some things that cannot be forgiven, not just to me but my girlfriend as well. Now this family member had and still has no idea the struggles and battles I have been fighting. Not that it was any of her business anyway but I rarely ever talked about having agoraphobia. Mainly because at that point it was nonexistent to me because I didn’t know that was what I was experiencing. The family member did not like that I told her to educate herself about her white privilege and that she would never understand what people of color go through every day. Although I did not agree with riots that happened, I understand why they did happen. Whether people peacefully protest or not, the outcome will always be the same. Those that don’t agree will always have a problem no matter what route we take. Kneeling, peacefully protesting, riots, etc. people are never happy no matter what because it’s not what they believe in. To make a long story short she messaged me and like I said personally attacked me. Some of you might say I should have not said the things I did but I stick by my words. What happened to George Floyd and many others is NOT okay. We have to be the change we wish to see and I will never be quiet on this issue because then I would be part of the problem. So no, I don’t believe I was out of line with the things I said. However, what she said to me was a low blow that had nothing to do with what we were even arguing about. I still have the message… “My daughter works and owns her own car at the age of 19 which is more than I can say about you. You got a degree to take care of your mom…” I won’t finish the rest of the message but you guys get the gist of it.
At the age of 19 I would like to point out that I had my own apartment that I was paying for while in college. I was also juggling work and school at that age as well. Not that I said any of that to her, although I wished I did. If I could I would go back and tell her that and also explain to her how I was struggling mentally. Sometimes I think of messaging her again since I know now exactly how and what I was struggling with. To let her know that I had/have agoraphobia and that my future was/is forever changed because of it. Even though I have a degree but take care of my mom, at least it’s something. I get to take care of a loved one and it allows me to pay for my bills and save up money for the future while I am going through a difficult time in my life. At the time I wasn’t getting help or going to therapy so everything is different from then to now. Thinking back, there is so much I could have said but didn’t because agoraphobia didn’t exist to me then. I feel like I’m repeating myself but I wish I could tell her that she had no idea what I was going through. That she shouldn’t personally attack someone that already feels so low.
To this day I think about her message and can’t help but to feel disappointed in myself. I want to be further than where I am now but it takes time. Sometimes I feel like I am so hard on myself because I have come a long way in these past couple of months. I should just enjoy, be proud, and continue to grow to be a better version of myself. Sometimes it is easier said than done… Especially today. I want to have a career, I want to own a house, and I want to proud of myself. At this moment I can’t help but just feel disappointed and sad. Like I have failed myself and will never get to where I want to be.