Step by Step

Have you ever done something to make others happy? I think I have done that my entire life especially when it came to my dad. My dad and I didn’t have the best relationship while I was growing up. People usually say the baby of the family is always the favorite but that was not the case in my situation with being the youngest of four, two older brothers and an older sister. Since I already had a rocky relationship with my dad, I made a lot of decisions in my life that would make him happy. If there was something that I wanted to do that I knew he wasn’t happy with I wouldn’t do it and do something he would approve of just to not make our relationship worse. I’m not sure how I developed agoraphobia but what I’m about to talk about could be the cause.

As I was getting closer to graduating high school I knew that I wanted to go to college to be a special education teacher. The only problem with that was my dad did not approve of his children being in the education career field. My sister graduated two years before me and she wanted to major in education at the time but my dad was not happy about it. He would always say there wouldn’t be any jobs available once she graduated college and she wouldn’t make much money. It was a huge thing and let’s just say she graduated with a degree not pertaining to education and neither did I. I saw first hand what she went through and told myself I wouldn’t even put myself in that situation because I knew it would be harder for me because of the relationship I had with him. The biggest decision in my life was driven by other people’s happiness and I regret it every day. Four years and thousands of dollars later I received my degree in Business Management with a minor in Economics in 2018 with nothing to show for it. With the exception of anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. I would say my life went downhill until recently since I have been seeking help and working on myself.

I have come a long way since 2018 and I am very proud of myself. Even though I have been making tremendous progress I still have my moments and I have learned that is okay. Recently I have been thinking about going back to school for special education but I haven’t filled out an application yet because I am scared. Actually I am terrified and I will tell you why. Yes I have been traveling more and going to places outside of my comfort zone but I haven’t mastered being alone or driving alone. Granted the program is 100% online but I would have to do a field study which means I would have to physically go to a school and shadow a teacher. How can I do that when I can’t drive there? I wouldn’t even know how I would react without not knowing anyone and if I were to react in panic and anxiety, would people understand? Would I be judged and feel humiliated? This program would cost me almost 30,000 dollars, should I even take the risk of attending when I know the outcome could end up with me in debt and nothing to show for it again? A lot of this plays on my mind and I can’t shake the feeling. I know I want to work with special education students but I am scared to take that next step and I’m only getting in my own way. However, at the same time I should also embrace the progress I have made. There’s nothing more in life I want more than to be “normal”. To be happy, have a career, and be close to buying a house all while never experiencing anxiety/panic/agoraphobia again. On the other hand, I have only been doing exposure therapy for a little over four months. I can’t be hard on myself when I basically just started my journey. Another thing I have to remind myself is that I have to take it one step at a time instead of going from 0 to 100.