Welcome to part 2 of my personal story. If you haven’t read part 1 that is okay! The post is still there you just have to click on the home page and scroll down and click on Total Success or Epic Fail? 1:2
I want to give my readers a little more of an insight on my life. Currently I am a home health aid for my mother that has a lot of medical issues. With having agoraphobia I am scared to start a career because I’m not comfortable with being out of the house by myself. I also do not drive at this moment because of that same reason. Experiencing a panic attack alone or in front of new people scares me, so I am forever grateful and lucky to have the opportunity to take care of my mom while being paid. Since I don’t drive my sister drops me off and picks me up or sometimes my dad will if she cannot. If my girlfriend doesn’t work she will help out as well. However, for the most part it is my sister who drives me to and from work everyday. If you’re reading this sis, shout out to you! You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do and how understanding you are to my condition. Okay now I am done being cheesy, let’s get back to my story.
Our house that we rent is 5 minutes away from my moms’ house. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself to those that have read my other posts.) Of course my sister locks herself out of the house with no one to pick her up. Well I shouldn’t say no one, because guess who she called to pick her up? You guessed it right! She called me. She was lucky because my brother went on a trip and left his car and keys at my ‘ house. Without his car I wouldn’t have been able to attempt to pick her up. My sister knew it would be a challenge for me and even told me she would ride a bike if I felt uncomfortable. I did feel super uncomfortable but my sister does so much for me that least I could do was go 5 minutes out of my way to save her. When I got into my brothers car I just sat there for a little bit while the engine warmed up. I was building up the courage to put the car into drive to go get her.
“You’re fine, it is only 5 minutes away. You got this. She does so much for you, this is the least you could do for her.” That is what I was telling myself when I was going around the block. The next thing I knew I was back on my moms’ block. Anxiety and panic took over me. I called my sister and told her what happened and she asked if I would feel better if my mom drove with me and I said yes. Little did I know at that time that having my mom in the passenger seat did not help me whatsoever! My mom eventually got into the car and I was making my second attempt to save my sister. Now the pressure is even more on me because she had to use the bathroom really bad if you know what I mean. (Sorry sis do not hurt me.) I turned the block and my heart starts racing! The feeling of being unsafe took over my whole body from one stop sign to the next. I turned to my mom and told her I cannot do this and that I have to turn around and go home. My mom was trying so hard to encourage me to go on. Instead of turning around I pulled over and turned my four way blinkers on. At this point I was in a full on panic attack and started to cry. Guys I kid you not we were only four blocks away from house.
As I was pulled over I explained to my mom with tears in my eyes and panic in my voice that I was scared and that I really wanted to go home and not feel like this anymore. She then started to raise her voice to tell me we were almost there and that there was no way we were turning around. Even if that meant pulling over to let her drive but she doesn’t even have her license. Can you imagine how much more anxiety that would have caused me? Again, I wanted to make it. I wanted to do something for my sister. The light must have turned green 3 times before I worked up the courage to keep driving. The people in the cars around me were probably watching my whole meltdown. My insecurities also started to kick in because I get embarrassed easily and care too much of what other people think of me. My mom still tried to calm me down while I was driving because I was still in straight panic attack mode.
After all of this, I finally made it. What was supposed to be a 5-minute car ride turned into 45 minutes because of everything I went through; I couldn’t help but to be disappointed in myself though. Yes I should be proud that I made it but I wasn’t. When you have a panic attack it really does affect you. For the rest of the day I was out of it and had a huge headache. I don’t want to keep going through this. This situation is another reason why I decided to be more open about taking medication. If there is something out there that will help balance me out I have to at least try it. I talked to my therapist and my psychologist about the best medication for me and I have been on it ever since. In no way, shape, or form am I 100% cured but I am slowly taking baby steps to gaining my life back.
