It is very important to have a support system when dealing with mental health. However, that is not always the case for some people. I have noticed that a lot people with agoraphobia have been open about their relationships with their parents and significant others. So I decided to open up about my journey with my parents.
Mental illness such as panic, anxiety, and depression does run in my family but no one had it to the extent that I did. Scratch that. My mom did have agoraphobia before I was born but her experience with it was different than mine. She didn’t and still doesn’t understand my fears. In the beginning I’m not going to lie it was actually really hard for my parents and I. You have to remember that I just graduated college and had to move back in with them. We all had hopes of me starting a career and moving out in the future. However, my future became more complicated than anyone could have imagined. My parents were kind of insensitive to what I was going through. I felt like no one understood me but at that time I didn’t even understand myself. It was hard explaining all of the new emotions and feelings I was going through. I can’t tell you how many conversations my parents and I have had about my future or how many times I have cried talking about it. They would constantly ask me when I was planning on getting a job and it made me feel bad about myself. Trust me, I want to have a career but my mental state just wasn’t and still isn’t there. I felt like the family disappointment. As time went on I actually got lucky to become a caregiver for my mom. I get paid for taking care of her at her house. Yes I am making money and eventually saved enough money to move out a year later but my family always reminds me that it’s not a “real” job. Everyone in my family would talk about me behind my back and I knew it and it became discouraging. It was like no matter what I did it was never good enough for anyone especially my dad. Since I moved out the conversations started to happen less and less but I knew they still felt the same way. They just didn’t speak about it as often.
My dad was the one that had more of a hard time understanding me and with time I have accepted that. If you have been reading my blog you know that I have a fear of driving by myself and sometimes with other people. For some reason my dad could never fully grasp that. He would always ask me to drive him to and from the mechanic and I would put my feelings to the side and do it. My mom would also have a lot of doctor appointments that he expected me to drive her to by myself. I think I drove her twice before I started speaking up for myself. Eventually he started to ask my sister to take him to the mechanic and he drove my mom and I to her appointments. There was a lot of misunderstanding when it came to me not being able to drive. My fear of driving is having a panic attack with no one there to either calm me down or distract me. I am basically a lone and that scares me. Those that don’t have agoraphobia have a harder time understanding the fear and what we experience when it happens.
Another issue my parents had with me was the fact that I wasn’t seeking help for my mental health. I was just letting it get worse and worse by doing less in life. Going food shopping and to target was the extent of me going out in life which is not healthy. I know my parents don’t want me to struggle and want their daughter to live her life. However, you can’t force someone to get help they have to want it themselves. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to get help it just wasn’t in my comfort zone to receive it. The pandemic actually was a blessing for me because I was able to do therapy through the phone in the comfort of my own home. My relationship didn’t get better with my parents until I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I think that had a lot more to do with my self-growth. When I learned that I had agoraphobia it was easier to understand and be able to explain myself. For me it is easier to get better now that I know what I am dealing with and by that I mean I was able to start treating myself like exposure therapy. As I started to learn more about my agoraphobia my parents became more understanding and actually started to encourage me. My dad started picking me up for work and dropping me off home when my sister couldn’t. He stopped complaining about me not driving since I’ve started working on myself. Whenever I would go outside of my comfort zone they are one of the first to know and they tell make a big deal out of it. To me it’s silly hearing how proud they are of me and how much progress I have been making. Anytime I tell them about the places I go they have nothing but positive things to say to me. It makes me feel great even if I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. Believe me it is still hard and we have some slip ups but I can’t expect them to change over night. As long as they are trying that is enough for me. Going forward I have expressed to them that I am working on myself, my mental health, and with time I will focus on a career. I can’t have a career if I cannot control my agoraphobia. You got to walk before you run, am I right?