January 22nd was when I found the courage to try exposure therapy for the first time. The store I went to is called Ulta, a beauty store that is roughly only 10 minutes away from my house. For those of you that have not experienced agoraphobia are probably reading this thinking “this girl is really making a big deal out of traveling only 10 minutes away.” Yes I am! I barley ever left the house or my safe zone in years because I didn’t want to have anxiety or panic attacks. I would avoid leaving the house altogether so this was actually huge for me. I didn’t go alone though because I still have a fear of driving so my girlfriend drove. I live in Philadelphia and had to take a road called the Roosevelt Boulevard. It’s hard to explain what it is but just know it’s not like a side road, there’s a lot of traffic on the Boulevard. I was extremely nervous when I first entered the Boulevard. All I kept telling myself is that I was okay and I can turn around whenever it gets too much for me. Some techniques that I found out that worked for me is to bring a bottle of water, roll down the window, and to pull over if I need to get myself together to just breathe. Although on this trip I didn’t have to pull over. I did feel the urge to turn around because I felt uneasy but I was a fighter and pushed through it. It was definitely harder than it sounds. My girlfriend also said if I were to make it to Ulta, she would buy me whatever I wanted. That gave me even more motivation to make it there. Who doesn’t love spending other people’s money? Can you believe I actually made it there and looked around for over an hour? I couldn’t find anything I wanted so I ended up just getting one item. The feeling I felt to actually be outside shopping was an amazing feeling. I was super proud of myself and even decided to keep going. From Ulta we went to Lowe’s (a hardware store) and Walmart (a retail corporation). My first exposure therapy was a success.
January 23rd was when I unexpectedly tried exposure therapy for the second time. This time the destination was further and more meaningful for me. My sister and I went to go visit our brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew that live 22 minutes away from us. Since this trip was unexpected we didn’t tell any of them we were coming. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone just in case we didn’t make it. This trip was definitely harder for me than the other one. I used the same techniques that I mentioned above; I brought water, rolled down the window, and actually had to pull over this time. We were only 4 minutes away from their house when I told my sister I wanted to turn around and go home. Instead of giving into my agoraphobia my sister pulled over and I got myself together. She pulled up her GPS to show me how close we were to their house so I decided to keep going. My whole family knows what I am going through so when we finally got to their house my sister-in-law was shocked to see me. The face she made is something I will never forget. She tried to get my niece and nephew to be as excited as she was but they are just kids. They just see it as their aunt came over to play with them. My sister-in-law said this is the happiest she has seen me in a little while which is true. Do you think people like being stuck at home doing nothing at all? No, but it’s a battle to want to go out when you know anxiety and panic attacks are bound to happen. People with agoraphobia struggle everyday, it’s not something that just goes away easily. Even though I am doing more now than I have over the past years I still fight everyday to keep going. I still have goals I want to accomplish even though there is a possibility I will experience anxiety and panic but I have to live my life.